My sister and I both recently lost weight as the result of being sick. When my mother saw us, she had two different reactions
- For my sister, she went on and on about how we need to feed her and get her weight back up. She was thin to begin with, but this weight loss wasn’t overly dramatic. She’s not “dangerously thin”, and she’ll regain some of that weight anyways once she can eat regularly again.
- I dropped a good 20lbs in two months, which isn’t healthy. I am weak, have trouble concentrating, and get aches and pains all day. My mother said I should “grow up” and just deal with all that, because weight loss is the best thing for me. She then told me stories about when she lost weight after I was born, existing on a bowl of Cream of Wheat and black coffee all day. She encouraged me to develop an eating disorder. She said that if I could lose this much weight just not being able to keep food in my system, think of how much more weight I could lose if I just stopped eating!
Thin privilege is losing weight from being sick, and not having people act like it’s the greatest thing to ever happen to you. I would much rather have those 20lbs back and be reasonably healthy, than to have to be within 20 feet of a bathroom at all times because of my sickness.
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RBI focuses on using expressive writing, design-oriented work, photography, media, research, and community input to fuel fat positive, body acceptance, discussion, and outreach. Our goal is to redefine the way we view and think about body image, size, fat, discrimination, health, fitness, wellness, mental/chronic illness, stigma, and other related topics.
We are constantly redefining our own perspectives, and therefore tend to write a lot about our personal experiences. Many followers and contributors are living with anorexia, bulimia, body dysmorphic disorder, depression, and a variety of other body image disorders or mental illnesses, so please be respectful and remember that health applies differently to everyone. Any and all potentially triggering content will be prefaced with a trigger warning.
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We are not health professionals. Any and all advice provided on this blog is supported only by our own research, studies, and personal experiences; nothing more.
This blog is part of the Safe Space Network.
We are constantly redefining our own perspectives, and therefore tend to write a lot about our personal experiences. Many followers and contributors are living with anorexia, bulimia, body dysmorphic disorder, depression, and a variety of other body image disorders or mental illnesses, so please be respectful and remember that health applies differently to everyone. Any and all potentially triggering content will be prefaced with a trigger warning.
RBI supports all races, genders, classes, and sizes. We try our best to make this a safe space for everyone. If we are not doing our job or checking our privilege, we invite you to please inform us.
Some of the artwork you see here has been created by our founder or moderators, some sourced when applicable. Please be kind enough to source this blog whenever you share it's content.
We are not health professionals. Any and all advice provided on this blog is supported only by our own research, studies, and personal experiences; nothing more.
This blog is part of the Safe Space Network.
This is Thin Privilege: My sister and I both recently lost weight as the result of being sick….
Asked dramatisation
First, my apologies for taking so long to respond - I got a ton of messages this week and am just now combing through the ones I’ve missed.
Second - my philosophy is that people have every right to do what they feel they need to do with their bodies, for the sake of their own health and wellness. You know your body better than I do - I would never presume to know what is best for you. I can only speak to my own experiences and what I feel is best for me and why.
You can certainly love your body while wanting to change it at the same time.
A common misconception is that people love to think fat acceptance advocates go around condemning people for wanting to lose weight. That is not the case. The whole point is to stop policing what other people do with their bodies and how they handle their own situations.
As a result, I tend to speak on behalf of those who live in fat bodies and can not afford to focus on weight loss as a goal or a need, because that is my experience.
What needs to be recognized is that everyone’s abilities and ways of dealing with health and fitness are completely unique. Disabilities, privileges, mental disorders, and chronic illnesses all come into play when considering one’s goals in attaining personally defined levels of health.
That is why Health at Every Size works so well for me (and others), as a fat person who used to focus on weight loss for a long time and was constantly discouraged by my body’s inability to live up to an ideal. This discouragement became unhealthy as I began to look toward destructive ways of thinking and disordered eating habits in order to drop a dress size. In short - I was adapting unhealthy habits in order to fit my body into what society deems to be a “healthy” size.
So I decided to focus on other things that are much more important and beneficial to my health and mental state - Because to me, being healthy and happy is not about losing weight. I created this space for myself and others who align with that way of thinking, who can’t afford to think about weight loss, who are tired of beating themselves up for not fitting into universally accepted and enforced societal standards of health and beauty.
But that is me. Your story is different, your journey is different, your ways of thinking and your abilities are different. I respect and understand that as something that can be discussed and detailed in your own space, but weight loss discussion is generally only spoken of here as a source of frustration and shame, because that is what we have experienced.
That being said, there are super-active and healthy fatties in the world, too. Fatties who don’t get winded and have no problem doing physical things. There are also fatties with disabilities who have other items to factor into their picture of health. It all depends.
Just know that at some point, if your body isn’t responding or fitting the ideal you have constructed in your mind - I urge you to reconsider which route to take in order to find that magic level of health and happiness that is unique to you. Because “losing weight” and “making healthy choices” that are right for YOU are two very different things.
I hope I was able to help <3
-
“Save me from what ‘everybody knows’” by Ragen Chastain
- Berrin A. Beasley, Weight Watching: The Ethics of Commodifying Appearance for Profit. (via jojojetspacecadet)
Trigger Warning: Diet Talk
So I went to a body/fat positive pool party today and it was fucking awesome. It was so freeing to be surrounded by people of my own size and the cool water felt great on my bare tummy. My fatkini may be the best thing that’s happened to be so far this summer. In fact, this is the best summer I’ve had since I was a kid.
In the evening, I met up with my cousin and his new wife. They’re minorly aware of the change in attitude about my body and he’d mentioned that he was hoping to get her to accept her body more. She’s kind of an in-betweener. At dinner she mentioned that she’s trying to get to a place where she can accept her body but she’s not quite there. And I told her I’d help her and she said we should talk.
On the way home, my husband wants to get some donuts and it comes out that this woman is on a diet and she’s bemoaning the fact that she can’t have one even though she really wants one. She’s even recruited her husband, my cousin, to be her food police. You know that person- the one the dieter asks not to let them “get weak” and eat something they’re “not supposed” to eat. And they love the dieter, so they want to be supportive. So they think that means agreeing to help the dieter police what they eat. He called himself the “food nazi”. I guess this means she asked him to be really unforgiving with her when she wants something but “shouldn’t” eat it.
When I hear all this, I say nothing.
Then later, my husband says “Aren’t you going to eat your donut?” Now maybe here is where I made a mistake. Maybe I should have said “Fuck yeah.” And stuffed my face with it. But instead I said “No, I’m not going to eat a donut in front of her when she wants one but can’t eat one” (I realize more as I type this that that was my mistake. Well, live and learn). So this, of course starts the “smoking conversation”
“No, go ahead, I don’t mind.”
“No, it’s okay.”
“No, I really don’t mind. It doesn’t bother me. Go ahead.”
The conversation moves to the motive for the diet and is teetering on the edge of the “why are you on a diet” question, which isn’t my business, so I refuse to ask it.
I can feel a verbal vomit coming, so, to avoid it, I say that I don’t want to talk about it. I say that I mean it in the most respectful way because it’s her body and she can do what she wants with it, but I don’t think she should be on a diet.
See here’s the thing. The way that sounds is that I think she’s thin enough. That’s what that sentence sounds like in the present social context. But what I really meant was: “I don’t think you should be buying into the lie that you need to change your body to fit a social norm.”
But she doesn’t know that.
So….
Awkward.
The conversation stopped right there and was quiet for a moment. Then we started talking about our dogs.
So yeah. A learning experience, I guess. I haven’t quite figured out how to deal with people on diets that I care (or am supposed to care) about. I want to tell her that I didn’t mean it the way it sounded, but I don’t know how to do that without qualifying it and explaining a whole bunch of shit.
So yeah.
Sometimes I forget that there are people in the world who are dieting, or want to loose weight.
Which is good, because that means I have successfully trained my brain into thinking that doing that is not normal. (At least in my world.) But it is also bad, because when I come across people who are trying to loose weight, I kind of come across as rude/disapproving. It just shocks me that this beautiful person would want to change themselves, and I feel I must correct their mistake immediately. (But really, is it even any of my business? The answer to that is a resounding “NO.”)
Where is the line between sharing about body positivity, and just shoving rhetoric down an unwilling victims throat? As much as I hate it when people tell me I should loose weight, do others feel the same about me telling them not to loose weight?
I guess for me, not loosing weight is a big part of my owning my own body. As I have discussed before, diets are a rather sore subject for me due to my upbringing, where many were forced on me during different stages of life. So not dieting is a big stand for myself and loving my body.
I do believe however that people have the right to do whatever they would like with their body, whether it be dieting, or otherwise. So if that works for you, it works for you..
I guess what all this rambling is about is that I don’t honestly know how to politely react to people dieting. Something I will have to work on in the future.
TW: Diet, weight loss…
sigh but not all vegans are thin though.
This ^^^
Seriously, this is one of my biggest pet peeves.
ADAPTING A VEGAN LIFESTYLE WILL NOT AUTOMATICALLY MAKE YOU THIN AND IS NOT ALWAYS PRACTICAL FOR EVERYONE
I know a rad fat dude who’s super active and vegan. And super fat.
EXPLAIN THAT ONE TO ME, BITCHES
Yeah.
One of the things we really have to work on is the narrative that you must love your body, no matter what. Because some people really can’t, and telling them that it’s their fault is another way of perpetuating self-hate. Not okay.
I really don’t find it helpful to shame someone for struggling with how they feel about their body but as someone who has made it a point to not have weight loss talk on her blog and continually gets told she is shaming people for not opening up the space to those discussions comments like the original one are frustrating. I wouldn’t say that the response was given would be something that I would give myself but the need for people to break apart the idea that thinness = better / healthier is really important to the political issues surrounding fat bodies. What I write is not about personal acceptance because that not only removes the space for people to feel how they want about their own body but also ignores the politics around being fat in our society.
Most body acceptance spaces are open to people discussing weight loss, the idea that feeling better about your body means you need to be thinner etc. When I close my space to not allow comments about weight loss or people conforming to the normative thinking around bodies (ie. Thinner = Healthier) I am creating a space for people who do not want to be surrounded by those messages.
Also people miss the point of fat activism or politics if they are telling another person to not do what they want with their own body. I have no more right to tell a person to not lose weight than they do to tell me I need to lose weight. The issue is that by not opening up our spaces to weight loss talk it is read as us telling other people what to do, which is completely false. I could give two shits about what another person does with their body but if they want me to congratulate them on their weight loss it’s reinforcing fat stigma. If they want me to congratulate them on feeling better in their body? That is a totally different story.
Yesss to all of the above.
TW: Weight-loss discussion
submitted by writeonbrickwalls:
I’ve been overweight my whole life until now. I worked out and got to a healthy* weight, expecting a whole big change, and there wasn’t. More about it here (check out the pic at the end): http://jaimejcheng.com/slim-thuggin
My parents had nagged me about my whole life about my weight, but it was when they brought my future career in the picture that I decided to do something about it. I’ve always had high hopes, goals and aspirations, so when my parents slipped in a “people hire good looking people” comment, I did something about it. This summer, I started my working life early by flying 1,700 miles to New York City for a summer internship, and learned that it wasn’t true (for the company that I’m working for, anyway). Even if it is, who wants to work for a company based on image? I don’t know why I didn’t realize this before.
I’m 40 lbs lighter and I feel even MORE insecure than I did when I was bigger, PLUS I don’t get to enjoy my food as much as I did before.
Love your body no matter the size. I’ve been big and small, and nothing’s changed.
If anyone wants to talk about this, I’d love to interact.
P.S. I’m an advertising student!! :)
——
Your point about how nothing has changed is a point that isn’t made often enough. So many people start a weight loss journey, only to find that even if they do lose the weight they wanted to lose - the happiness and confidence and everything they’ve been told they’d find if they only had a “thinner” body doesn’t just magically happen.
*Also wanted to add: the notion of determining weight that is or isn’t “healthy” for an individual is very much a gray area. Using BMI standards to determine this is bogus and I just really find the whole “healthy weight” thing a really hard thing to define that isn’t even really helpful to a lot of people. I understand your point obviously, I just wanted to make a note of that :)
Thanks for submitting, and good luck with school!
- Haley Cue
TW: Weight loss discussion
I love your blog and everything you stand for. I’m having a bit of a problem and hope you can help me? I’m 20, 5’10” and 200lbs. I used to be 170lbs. I’m really struggling to accept my “new” body. I don’t know if I should just (for lack of better words) quit trying and accept it, or if I should try to lose weight. I want to accept it, but don’t know if I can..
——
I know this feeling all too well, so I will speak from my experience. I’ve gained about 30 pounds in the past couple of years and still have a hard time owning this new space my body takes up. Stretch marks seemed to pop up over night and I am still getting used to them. So I made this the other night while I was thinking about it and snapping photos of my lightning bolts, and I made this one day (GIF EPILEPSY WARNING) when I was feeling really great about my tummy. Everyone has their own unique way to deal, understand, and cope with their feelings about their body.
Change can be frightening, when your visible self and the way people perceive you seems so out of your control, but it helps to deconstruct those feelings. Think about what is in your control.
My fat, skin, physical health, mental health, wellness, and body, are ever-changing crazy things that adapt to the elements. I’ve also got some genetic and chronic conditions that contribute to my definition of health. I know I have no firm grasp of control over these things and I strive to accept that fact with a “take it as it comes” kind of mentality.
I could try to guess what weight would be “healthiest” for me or strive to lose weight if that would really make me happy, but it doesn’t. I could try to minimized my stretch marks with creams and go on a rigid diet if that would make me happy, but it doesn’t.
So I focus on what keeps me happy, makes me feel sane, and try very much not to beat myself up about the things I may or may not be able to change. Because in my past, whenever I strove for change in regards to my weight or my dress size, I never got what I “wanted”. It was a cycle of hate and unhealthy habits and ways of thinking. So I broke it, and I’m not turning back. Or I try not to. There are still times when I think, “Should I have tried this?” “Maybe I wasn’t trying hard enough” - but the truth is I tried everything, and I tried super hard. I have always been overweight. I’m accepting it and moving on with my life.
Some people enjoy working out just to work out, or enjoy eating a certain way because it makes them happy - it’s unique to everyone. You could decide to make goals with losing weight in mind if that is what you really want, if that is what you think will help you find happiness, contentment, and acceptance with your body. But based on my experience, in doing so you’re already setting yourself up to fail by having an ideal to live up to, even if you think it’s reasonable. Ideals are never as attainable as you want them to be, so why waste time chasing after a number on the scale when you could enjoy being the person you are now, right this moment, regardless? Again, this is just my perspective.
We all have our own journeys and ways of finding out and defining what health and wellness and happiness and beauty means to us, and they never, ever end. Through it all, you only have yourself. Even when bumps come along and you’re struggling with yourself, there is always time to set it right again.
There was a period in the last year where something triggered in me a desire to suddenly join Weight Watchers. And a gym. I knew fully well I was setting myself up to fail. I knew through trial and error that I didn’t need WW and public exercise, I needed mindful, intuitive eating and movement that is appropriate for me. But my mind was suddenly back in destructive mode, “weight loss” mode, and I snapped myself out of it once I reminded myself why this method never worked before. Because it simply isn’t for me.
It all comes down to you. I can’t say it enough, or remind myself of it enough, and it’s easy to forget although it seems so simple. You don’t owe anything to anyone else but you.
[Image description: A manatee is swimming in water tinged dark blue. It is facing the left of the frame. TOP TEXT: “YOU ARE NOT A PERSON IN THE MAKING.” BOTTOM TEXT: “YOU ARE A PERSON NOW.”]
This is for all of the lovely young people who follow me. I think you are a lovely person.
TW: Weight loss discussion
This is also for all the lovely people who have ever asked me, “What do I do with these feelings about needing to lose weight right now?”
Those feelings are hard to process I think. I still get them a lot. But I always remind myself of what this gorgeous manatee is reminding me of - I am who I am, right this second, right now.
So I’m gonna focus on that fact, and my happiness in the moment, and the little things that add up to my healthy frame of mind - and if that results in making decisions or doing things that somehow result in weight loss or weight gain, that is immaterial. Because I’m gonna take care of the me right here and now, not the me I may or may not be in the future.
TW: Weight loss discussion
if anyone mentions weight loss, or a desire to lose weight, they are reminded that it’s ‘ok to be bigger too’…
Yes it is. It’s also ok to be skinny and want to be skinnier too.
If a skinny person said ‘I’ve gained a stone, just half a stone to gain until my goal weight!’ would you hear people say ‘it’s ok to be skinny too’?
I doubt it.
Stop skinny prejudice.
Sorry, but what world do you live in that everyone responds to personal weight-loss rhetoric with “it’s okay to be bigger too”?
My fat body has never received that kind of validation when I used to vocalize my desire to lose weight in the past. In fact, quite the opposite - “I need to lose weight” was often followed by a comment like “well yeah, wouldn’t hurt” or “I know this or that diet that will help” or “yeah, you could definitely stand to lose a few pounds”…
NEVER ever ever ever was I ever told “You know, your body is okay - just as it is. It is okay to be bigger. You are fine.”
That may happen now in the fat acceptance community, on this blog and other places like it - but it exists in these safe spaces because we are counteracting a culture that tells and yells at us from every single angle “your body is not right” “you need to lose weight” “fat is unhealthy”, so on and so forth.
Fat oppression exists. The repercussions and hate towards fat people and the attitudes toward obesity in society far exceed cultural attitudes towards thin people. All bodies are good bodies and I stand behind the fact that every body is meant to be as it is, thin bodies deserve to be shown love and support for their existence just as fat bodies do.
But don’t sit there and tell me thin privileged folks need and deserve MORE validation and support than fat folks, that fat folks are getting more support than the thin privileged, that we’re facing less oppression and hate.
If that were the case, I wouldn’t be here fighting against it every single day.
Damn weight loss bullshit interrupting my enjoyment of Sam and Dean’s beer-guzzling reflection scene, GTFO.
4 simple steps
1. chop off your butt
2. throw it in the trash
3. idk
4. destroy the patriarchy
seriously
Damn weight loss bullshit interrupting my enjoyment of Sam and Dean’s beer-guzzling reflection scene, GTFO.