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[TW: internalized fat shaming, weight loss, self/body hate]
I wrote this last night after reading through the first 10 pages of your tumblr. I don’t know why I felt like I should share this with you, but I wanted to.
I have lost a significant amount of weight fairly recently (about 40 lbs from my heaviest) and it wasn’t until I did that my body image issues fully came to light. I think the reason they never came up much before was that when you’re fat, there is a certain expectation and acceptance that “of course you don’t like your body, you’re fat!” so a little self-hate, those self deprecating remarks are shrugged off as normal, or at least expected. Once you lose weight, though, the expectation is that you will then be happy with your body. Those jokes about “Do I look like I don’t like donuts?!” become more awkward and less hilarious. Of course you don’t magically change the way you think as the number on the scale changes, and only now are people even catching a glimpse of the full depth of my body hate. For many years I hated just about everything about how I looked. My internal monologue was a vicious litany of insults about everything from my struggles with acne (who still has acne in their 20’s?! It’s ridiculous and you look stupid!), to my thighs (ugh! So huuuuge!!), to my calves (look at those man-calves!!). I even filled in what other people were thinking when they saw me eating or buying food in public, so that eating or buying anything “unhealthy” was an exercise in shame: obviously everyone else was thinking “Well, that’s why she’s fat!” or “Clearly she doesn’t need to eat that, the pig!” or something along those lines. Every time I passed a mirror, I immediately leapt to criticisms and thoughts of how I could be “kind of pretty”, if only I weren’t so fat. Even wearing makeup felt like an exercise in futility, because what was the point in making my face more attractive when the rest of me was so ugly? Everything I wore was designed to make me look smaller or hide some aspect of my body, to give the illusion of being thinner, and therefore prettier.
Here’s the thing: those thoughts make getting healthy nearly impossible. Shame does not motivate, it defeats. Self-loathing does not inspire one to go to the gym or eat healthy foods in moderation. No, they come together to beat you before you ever get started. They make you afraid to go to the gym because obviously everyone else there is looking at you (the fat one) wondering what you’re doing there while they laugh at your pitiful attempts. They combine to create habits that are both punishment and comfort. My choice punishment/comfort was to eat various unhealthy foods like candy, cookie dough, or fast food. It was comforting because it was delicious and pleasing, but a punishment, because it fueled even more internal insults and mental lashings. Basically, I was on the cusp of an eating disorder: I had the thinking down, but wasn’t quite practicing the habits of one.
One day, I got tired of this. I got tired of hating myself, tired of wanting to be a pretty girl, and I decided to fix it…from the outside in. Clearly, if I could lose weight, I would be happy with myself. If I could just get to where I didn’t need to shop in the Plus/Women’s/FAT section, I would like the way I looked and be happy! Well, I started going to the gym and eating better, and I did lose weight. When I was around a size 16 (down from nearly a 22), I met and started dating someone. As we got closer, he became privy to (some of) my internal monologue, and brought it to my attention that it was rather unhealthy and unhelpful, perhaps even more than I realized. Our romantic relationship did not last, but our friendship has, and I am forever grateful for that. He helped me think less critically about my body and myself, which was an enormous step in the right direction. I still wasn’t happy with my appearance, but I was less focused on outright hatred ofmy body.
As I lost more weight (getting down to a size 12), it was obvious that mentally, I still had a long way to go. I still wasn’t happy. I was still fat, just not as fat. I still had to lose another 30lbs, because then I’d be really hot. Friends and family caught glimpses of, and expressed concern about my thinking at this point. It became apparent to them that even as I outwardly celebrated my weight loss success, I was not happy with the results. Compliments were accepted, but shrugged off as I told of plans to lose even more weight, because I still had a lot of work to do. Lucky for me, I had some good friends who helped me see that those thoughts, while less obviously toxic than the insults I used to wield against myself, were just as damaging. They were still showing a fixation on what was “wrong” with my body, what I didn’t like, what needed changing to be more attractive and acceptable. There were precious few thoughts of how good I looked or how much healthier I was.
At some point, after much reading, listening, and talking, it dawned on me that I couldn’t diet my way to liking how I looked: if I couldn’t accept my appearance at my current size and weight, whatever it was, I wouldn’t be happy at any size or weight…and that frightened me. I didn’t want to forever be struggling to lose more weight and maintain that weight loss, I wanted to be happy with my body. I wanted to like what I saw in the mirror, and that meant changing how I thought about it, rather than changing my body.
I would love to say that moment was a magical epiphany and I’ve been happy with my body ever since then, but that would be an enormous lie. I am indeed much more pleased with and accepting of my body than I have been at any other point in my life, but I still sometimes fall into my old thoughts. It happens less often and less severely as time goes on, but I don’t know that I’ll ever fully be rid of them. I was in that mental rut for the better part of 27 years, so it’s a tough one to fully escape. As of this moment though, I can finally wear close-fitting clothes and feel good. I can wear skinny jeans and know that I look ridiculously fabulous, rather than just ridiculous. It’s a journey I’m still on, but I don’t plan to stop any time soon.
i’m glad you asked this question. I could only watch about 10 minutes of it before I was so disgusted I had to turn it off.
It was just a play on the same old sad stereotypes of ‘fat is unhealthy’, ‘fat is lazy’ ‘fat is disgusting’ etc. etc. etc. And it’s disappointing because South Park usually has really good commentary on popular culture.
You know what, I APPLAUD Honey Boo Boo and her family. They’re not your typical ‘attractive’ family, but they obviously love each other and they’re happy. That counts for a lot more than their education level or their weight.
- The obesity epidemic is a lie. Obesity rates have stayed the same, and in some places even dropped, since 2000.
- ‘Obesity’ is judged by BMI, which is an invalid measure of health. Even the creator of BMI himself never wanted it to be used as a measure of health.
- In 1998, the guidelines for BMI were changed. Millions of people went to bed one night being ‘normal’, and woke up ‘overweight’ according to the new standards. So all the reports you hear of, about how people are getting fatter and fatter, is actually the definition of what ‘fat’ is changing.
Fat people have no shame? Fat people have no shame? Has anyone who created that episode EVER spoken to a fat person? ANY fat person, any chubby person, hell, the majority of ‘average’ people have been ‘shamed’ for being too fat. They’ve been told over and over that they’re lazy, ugly, no one will ever love them, they’ll never get a good job, they don’t deserve nice clothes, I could go on forever.
Fat people don’t ask for special treatment, as this episode depicts. Fat people ask for equal treatment. To have the ability to do the same things normal people do. Like being comfortable in a movie theatre, or to be able to go on an airplane without paying double. Or even more importantly, having GOOD and complete healthcare that doesn’t consist of ‘just lose weight and all your health problems will go away.’ That’s not having no shame.
There is a problem in this country, I’m not denying that. People aren’t eating well enough. People aren’t exercising enough. But you know what, that goes for thin people too. There are millions of thin people who eat junk, are sedentary, and end up with the same diabetes, hypertension, heart problems, etc. that the medical community likes to pretend only fat people can get. (Fun fact, 75% of obese people never get diabetes.)
The problem is not fat. The problem is lack of access to healthy food and exercise. THAT’S what needs to be fixed. And not by programs like Let’s Move!, which was funded by a 13.6% cut to the SNAP (food stamp) program, which means that low-income families, which are already proven to be more likely to be obese, are even less able to afford healthful food.
It’s a much, much bigger problem than the size of someone’s jeans. Regardless of someone’s size or health, NO ONE should be shamed like that. Not your body? Not your business. I’m really, really disappointed that South Park couldn’t do better.
Love,
I received this same question and had the worst time trying to formulate a response, so I’m reblogging Amber’s eloquence because it’s perf.
I grew up watching South Park. I have seen every single episode. They don’t give a fuck about sensitivity and trying to find critical or meaningful things to say about what they choose to portray is like trying to find meaning in any kind of crude, non-PC humor - It’ll just end up going in circles.
I watched the episode last night and yes, it’s pretty fucking appalling. It perpetuates really fucked up ways of thinking about fatness and “obesity” to those viewers who aren’t mindful or aware enough to be critical.
Sometimes I find it too hard to stomach some of the shit that comes across - especially in this episode - and I worry what viewers will truly take away from it. But what else would you expect? I certainly don’t expect SP to do anything groundbreaking or mindful when the entire cult of SP is grounded in total nonsense and a desire to push buttons.
It’s whatever. When an episode ends with Michelle Obama starting a “sketti wrestling” match and continues to portray her beating the hell out of Honey Boo Boo whilst she squeals like a pig…I don’t even know.
I’m a physicist, and you’re fucking wrong. Sorry. The metabolism is a complex system with many variables. Efficiency of the system varies not only from person to person, but throughout someone’s life. That’s the second law of thermodynamics, the one that governs chemical reactions. You’re hung up on the first law, which is just a conservation law (bookkeeping).
Humans aren’t lawnmowers. God I hate educating you trolls. Spend three seconds thinking about this instead of copying a paragraph from your thermo 101 book. Do you really think a teenager has the same metabolic efficiency and rate as a 70 year-old man? A pregnant person as a non-pregnant person? Someone with a healing wound as someone whose body is enduring the depths of famine (or is dieting)?
The metabolism isn’t perfectly understood, definitely by people like you, and even by researchers. There are theories out there about a bodyweight setpoint around which a body fluctuates, but towards which a body tends, mostly programmed by genetics and partially by history and environment. This means the metabolism resists weight loss below a certain point, and it also resists weight GAIN above a certain point.
Also, fat people haven’t been shown to, in general, eat any differently than thinner people. Which means they’re not consuming a giant amount of food to make their bodies bigger. And 95% of diets fail long-term, which means your little “it’s easy, eat less move more!” prescription doesn’t work, which, if you’re a scientist (please I hope you’re NOT), points to some kind of fatal flaw in your theory.Here’s a list of resources compiled by Michelle at the Fat Nutritionist. Which you probably won’t read, if you’re ignorant enough not to understand how the laws of thermodynamics apply to chemical reactions and human metabolic systems. But my readers are sharp and reflective folks (not literally, freshman!), so they might appreciate it.
(made rebloggable by request)
Can we fucking talk about this for a second?
Can we really?
Because this shit right here was the EXACT. SAME. REACTION that I fucking got when I was recovering from my eating disorder.
Folks ENCOURAGED ME TO STARVE MYSELF when I was losing so much weight.
ENCOURAGED ME.
And had nothing but mumbles for me when I called them out on that bullshit years later.
Because we really do not fucking care HOW you got skinny. Just as long as you got skinny and stayed there.
We don’t give no fuck about health. We give a fuck about how fuckable you look to mainstream.
So your ass could have damn near died, but it don’t matter doe, cuz you can fit into a size 6 now.
Concern trolls and thinspo mothafuckers can forever miss me with that bullshit
Totally agree here but I want to pose a question:
When you have a friend who has lost a noticeable amount of weight and you don’t know how or why, what is a good way to breach that subject?
Or should you just leave it alone?
I have two married friends who recently had gastric bypass. I didn’t see them for about 6 months and they both lost a dramatic amount of weight. I didn’t know they’d had surgery but their weight loss was very noticeable and they were posting lots of pictures on facebook with family and friends saying things like “Wow!” and “You guys looks great!”
I didn’t want to reinforce any bad behavior or make any assumptions about what they had been doing, but I also didn’t know how to broach the subject. When we met up a few weeks ago, I said:
“Your vacation photos looked really fun—what’s been up? You look a lot different from the last time I saw you!”
They were both very forthcoming about going under the knife and not ashamed of it, but said they didn’t want to broadcast it over facebook. But if they had developed some sort of weird mutual eating disorder, I don’t know if what I said would’ve been the correct approach. They were indeed eager to talk to me about their experience (since I’m someone who has gone through weight loss also) so I was glad I broached the topic instead of pretending like nothing was different with them—but it’s not always like that.
I will forever cringe at the memory of running into a high school friend and saying “Oh my gosh, you look amazing!” after a dramatic weight loss. She happened to be home because she was on her way to be hospitalized for an eating disorder… I had just assumed that it was something she had done on purpose to look better in a healthy way—not ever thinking that it was something she could be struggling so desperately with!
More often than not, it is always best to keep weight-based comments (yes, even compliments, for the very reason you outlined above and more) to yourself. Leave it alone.
In the situation of your friends who underwent gastric bypass, they made that decision for themselves. Without knowing their situation, I’d say you went about approaching the topic in a really healthy way by not implying anything one way or another about their weight loss. What you said showed you were inquisitive and interested, rather than projecting your own judgements onto them. That is when potential damage is done.
I have been worried for loved ones in the past. I am actually quite worried about one right now - she has been on a very dangerous and unhealthy diet for a number of months and each time I see her, she appears less like herself. Not only is she smaller, she appears absolutely ill - yet claims to really be enjoying the “success” of this horrible diet.
There are so many things I would like to say to her, but it’s straight up not my place, you know? She’s a grown adult, she can make her own decisions. I can express concern if she ever gets to an extreme and is obviously in need of help or medical attention, but short of that, I can’t presume to know her situation. At all.
If I knew she would be receptive to new ways of thinking about body image and health I might start a dialogue about that, but I have tried and she has straight up rejected it. So, I keep my mouth shut.
Best to tread lightly.
Hey.: baby—guts: people that post those vintage ads for women saying gaining…
people that post those vintage ads for women saying gaining around 15 pounds will give them curves and men will like them are so fucking stupid. you’re just as bad as people saying you should lose weight. unless you’re using it to prove how society has a tendency to change it’s…
Er, you just explained why some people do it, to demonstrate the same underlying pattern of body dissatisfaction is used to undermine people.
If it makes you angry that’s the point. Now imagine being ridiculed for that response, or told that is a sign there is something wrong with you? Being told you can’t take reasonable correction, or you’re oversensitive, being laughed at because it stings?
Can I just say that “skinny shaming” is not wholly convincing? Fat shaming is more complex than what other people say about your size. It operates within a system set up to pathologize people’s existence. No one is saying thin people need to dedicate their lives to gaining weight, unless they actually have an ED. Even then, they have a voice which counts.
Try to stop trivializing experiences you don’t understand.
And frankly, when are we going to hear from people who whine about skinny shaming about their collusion in the process of being held up as what everyone should aim for?
You’d think they’d want to question the costs of that and how little they seem to have gained from it. That they’d tell the authorities using them to get their hands off their bodies. But no.
Many are still clinging like fury. I don’t think its shaming you to realise that you’ve been placed on a pedestal, that is at the whim of whoever seeks to gain from manipulating people’s insecurities.
I’d have thought you’d be more angry about that.
hfml:
MAMA CASS ELLIOT - Dream A Little Dream of Me
I thought about her, googled some more information, and discovered that no, she did not choke on a ham sandwich and die. In fact, she was fasting four days a week to lose weight, and had drastically shed 80 lbs at the time of her death, which, according to the autopsy, was caused by heart failure. This was most likely brought on by the severe weight loss technique she was using. Her desperate attempt to lose weight killed her, and because of a half eaten ham sandwich in her London flat, a venomous rumor has kept her alive in ironic mockery.
Another reason that I prefer combustion.
She was wonderful.
Bolded emphasis mine - That shit blows my fucking mind. Much love for Mama Cass.
“Elliot actually died from the far more prosaic “fatty myocardial degeneration due to obesity” in other words natural causes due to being overweight – she was prone to going on crash diets which in the end fatally weakened her heart.” [x]
I used to be a super athletic individual from childhood, through adolescence, and to the end of my teenage years. I took dance lessons (tap, ballet and jazz), learned acrobatics, ice skating, soccer, basketball, soft ball and competitive swimming. The last two really stuck with me for most of my life.
Despite being a super active kid who was fortunate enough to have access to healthy, hearty, properly portioned food - I was always considered “overweight” for my age. The cycle of self hate and guilt was endless when, as an active and healthy teenager, I was ceaselessly concerned about my weight and never “performed to my full potential”. I thought less about how I felt and more about how I looked and fixated on it. I was doing everything right but my body was persistent in its fatness.
Because of this, I have done a lot of thinking about my relationship with fitness/exercise and the anxiety it causes in me. I have gone so far as to deprive my own body of the satisfaction and happiness that can come with it, because I have been so jaded by my history with it and the overwhelming anxiety that is pretty much a constant in my life.
I joined a gym, and initially enjoyed it - but found myself misguided and socially anxious in a room full of sweaty strangers, so I eventually stopped going.
Next I will attempt to ease myself back into some sort of activity that involves moving my body and bettering myself, so I chose yoga. I’m super nervous about it.
If there is anyone out there who can relate or possibly lend some advice, please do. <3
These are the types of stories that never get told. These people would otherwise be active, feel a natural tendency towards activity, and yet the negative experiences and self-hate they associate with intense physical activity, actually create a legitimate psychological aversion to it. To not be able to enjoy activity you once did with so much ethusiasm is a tragic loss. This is what the fat-shaming cheerleaders REFUSE to understand, that making people HATE being active is not doing them a favor. And that is exactly what happens when physical activity is a punishment, a source of shame, and when people have absolutely no EMPATHY but instead just see further cause for bullying and denigration.
yeah, this is why people who call fat people lazy or not self disciplined enough or whatever are fucking bullshit. the op’s childhood experience sounds so close to my own. i was very active on my swim team from age 6 through the end of high school (minus about a year in middle school where i stopped swimming because i was embarassed to be seen in a bathing suit, ugh) and in spite of how i love to talk about how pizza was my first solid food, my family actually ate really healthy/wholesome food when i was growing up. we also went on bike rides as often as weather permitted and even did a week long bike ride across michigan every summer. i also always had an exceptionally clean bill of health at the doctor
if being fat vs. thin was actually tied to being healthy and active the way that the media makes it out to be, i would have been a “naturally thin” kid. i was always fat, though, which made me feel like a freak because everything i saw in the media and the way that people treated me led me to believe that my body did not even look human. this led to intense dieting and disordered eating from about the time i was eight through early adulthood and although that did cause me to lose a lot of weight a few times, i always gained it back and if we’re going to talk about health, it likely had a much more negative than positive impact on my overall health (that’s just talking about physical health, if we factor in mental health this behaviour pretty much screwed me over long-term)
anyway, re: the question posed by the op, i have rarely really avoided physical activity because of shame from exercising in front of people, but because of the massive abuse i put upon myself to lose weight as a kid i have some negative associations with traditional workouts (like going to the gym)—even though i do sometimes enjoy this. as an adult, i have found the most success being active when i can incorporate it into my regular life. i really enjoy riding my bike and i like to rely on my bike as transportation as often as possible. i also really enjoy walking. i lived in a city with good public transportation for years and did not have a car and always felt a better overall sense of well-being because of how much physical activity this naturally built into my days. after a couple years in a city that was not well set up for public transit or biking (or anything other than driving) which always seemed to contribute to my depression, i am back living in a city with great public transit where i don’t have a car and i’ve already noticed an improvement in my overall constitution as a result.
TW: Weight loss
EXACTLY. Sounds like we have a lot in common! I went through the same experience with disordered eating and yo-yo weight loss/gain, which also had a much more negative impact on my health than anything else ever did. It wasn’t until I stopped associating health with weight that I fully came into my own and was able to determine what health means to me, how I define it for myself - because society’s definition of “thin health” does not and will never apply to me.
I also resonate with your approach to fitness and integrating it into regular life. Traditional workouts are actually sometimes triggering for me, which is the oddest thing to try to conquer, and no one ever seems to fully comprehend it.
Instead of making a goal to work out at a set day and time every week, I “move my body” (I’ve decided to stop referencing it as exercise) in ways that are pleasing to me and fit into my lifestyle. I go on canoe trips and bike rides and walks. I do yoga in my room by myself. I dance and move to music. I stopped making fitness into a “goal” and look at it as something to make me happy, stripping away all the bullshit that has been tied to it my ENTIRE LIFE. It is a long and arduous process that I’m actually working on with my therapist and I’m finally, FINALLY starting to realize what I want and what I need in that regard.
That being said, there are still times when I trip up. Last night while watching America’s Next Top Model, I briefly started day-dreaming about weight loss. I hadn’t done that in ages. I was sitting and watching these thin, beautiful women and thought for a moment “maybe I should start working out every day, really dedicate myself and try to lose weight again.” After months of teaching myself not to think that way, it came out of no where.
But the thing is, I’VE DONE THAT SO MANY TIMES BEFORE AND NOTHING GOOD COMES OF IT. That’s why I fucking despite fitspo. Fitness is always made out to be so black and white when it really isn’t. It’s not simply about “dedicating” yourself in order to achieve aesthetic results, especially when those results aren’t happening and you come back to blaming and hating yourself.
I can not afford to think that way, and I know it, but it seeps back into my skull sometimes before I can catch it because that’s how the ENTIRE WORLD thinks. It is the most exhausting thing.
I’m having a dilemma, & maybe all of you can help me sort it out!
(TW: Unintentional weight loss?)
My entire life, I’ve been “obese” by medical standards, and I’ve learned to own my body as a fat woman, and identifying with body & fat acceptance empowered me to finally become who I am today. Which is really, really great.
Recently, though, I got put on ADHD meds that completely eliminate my appetite, and while I’m still making myself eat a healthy amount, I’ve lost a ton of weight - so much so that I’m 10lbs away from not even being considered “overweight” anymore.
I still feel like a brilliant fat woman, but obviously my body has changed; I’m not sure whether it’s even appropriate to identify as fat anymore, since my weight has dropped so drastically. I don’t know how to reconcile this new body with my old one that I had come to love & appreciate for what it was. I’m worried that I might be overreacting, but it’s actually a world of difference, and this is completely foreign to me.
I’m sure that loads of you have had unexpected changes happen to your bodies, & I was wondering how you dealt with that sort of difference in… alignment, I guess? I would really appreciate any input that you’ve got to give me.
xx
——
Your experiences as a fat woman helped to shape you into who you are today. Those experiences will never, ever be erased and are always going to be a part of you, how you see the world, how you treat other people…etc.
You are completely NOT overreacting! It is scary when our bodies undergo an immense amount of change without our permission or intent driving it along.
Shit happens anyway - your body doesn’t wait for you to catch up with the change. Be kind to yourself as you adjust.
Someone asked me last week how I would feel if I woke up to find myself in a thinner body, which I found an intriguing thing to consider - but one never knows how one will react until it all goes down for real, and my body is persistent in its fatness, so I’m quite sure I will never know.
Really, I think a lot of emotions and thoughts would be going through my head if I were you - but I’d try to focus on the things that haven’t changed. The you inside, the person you have grown to be, your values and ways of thinking - because that is quite persistent, true, and easier to grasp.
I wish I could speak more to this - can anyone else relate?
<3 Haley
Asked Anonymous
No, you are not wrong.
“He said he’d still love me but he’d want me to fix it”..?
That’s not what love is!
You deserve a love that is unconditional.
You deserve someone who finds you sexy because you’re you, and that’s the end of it - not someone who says he loves you, only to shame your body for changing with time because he doesn’t find it “attractive”.
This sort of thing absolutely breaks my heart. I wish everyone could know what it is to truly love someone who loves you back, just as you are.
You don’t have to settle for a “love” that tries to dictate your appearance and you shouldn’t have to.
Please keep that in mind.
Asked Anonymous
I used to think that counting calories and going on diets was called “being healthy” and that it applied to everyone, until I realized when I was in the thick of it that I was in a bad place that wasn’t right for me and my body. Those things can factor into definitions of health for other people (and are societally encouraged and seared into our brains as the ONLY definition of health), but not for me. Maybe that is the case for you, too.
You are on a different wavelength. It is not better or worse than anyone else, it’s just different - and unique to you. Everyone has their own wavelength. Recognize and own it, for real. You know what is right for you. Trust in that knowledge, trust yourself, and fuck anyone who may think they know what’s better for you.
Not that I’m suggesting your friends are pushing these things on you, they likely just enjoy it a lot and want you to be a part of it - but it’s okay to be like “That’s cool guys! I like to do these other things instead, but I hope all goes well for you.” And hopefully they will be able to understand that. If they are good friends, they should.
Focus on you and all will continue to fall into place, even when there are bumps along the way. It’s okay. You’re doing good babe, be proud.
Historically, Fat Acceptance has framed body positivity in fairly stringent and problematic ways. I think a lot of work has been done to address these issues, but oftentimes these things get played out over and over again as new people come to the fold.
When you first discover body acceptance, after years and years of hating yourself and fucked up weight loss attempts and (for many) disordered eating, it can be so tempting to latch onto this mantra of “LOVE YOURSELF NO MATTER WHAT, THERE IS NO ROOM FOR COMPROMISE”. This results in a lot of fat activists advising others to simply “accept yourself”, and anything else is automatically Bad Activism.
Of course, not understanding the nuanced ways we experience ourselves/bodies and embracing this approach to self-acceptance often means trying (usually unsuccessfully) to sweep one’s more ambivalent feelings under the rug. It also means not being open to others’ discomfort with their own bodies in ways that can be racist, ableist, and cissexist.
In The ‘Fat’ Female Body, Sam Murray writes about one of the more insidious aspects of this kind of humanist logic: it reasserts a problematic dichotomy between mind and body. It says that we must, in our minds, overcome our bodies (and hatred of them). This is problematic for a couple of reasons: 1) this is the same strategy we are supposed to use, according to contemporary fat-hating society, to lose weight and become “normal” people, and 2) our bodies and minds are not ACTUALLY split—we perceive and understand the world THROUGH our bodies, and to imply that we can just “change our minds” about how it feels to be fat in a fat-hating world—in a world not made for our bodies—disregards this pretty important reality.
Long story short: it’s really crucial that we make room for bodily ambivalence in our activism.
All of this is to say that my own body has changed a bit in the last several months. After a couple years of staying at a steady weight without dieting, I have found myself facing an unexpected shift that has added nearly 30 lbs. to my person. I wouldn’t have known it was 30 lbs. (although I did know I had gained weight—I looked and felt different, and didn’t fit in my clothes the same way), except for the fact that my friend had a scale at her house, and I snuck a peek after weeks of wondering how much, exactly, I had gained.
Prior to knowing the exact number, I didn’t feel BAD about my body. I didn’t like some of the small mobility changes I was noticing (back pain happening after only walking a mile, not being as limber or flexible, pain after any extended period of time in one position, etc.) and I definitely didn’t like my clothes not fitting, but I still loved my body, the feel of it and the look of it. I didn’t blame my mobility and pain stuff on the weight gain, per se, but on a lack of physical activity in general.
Now that I know for sure that I’ve gained 30 lbs., I still don’t feel bad about my body, but I had a moment (or two or three) of feeling like a really bad fat activist. And knowing that exact number triggered a lot of shame in me: shame that I couldn’t help wanting to know the number, shame that I had picked an arbitrary number that I didn’t want to be “over” and when I wasn’t I felt relieved, shame that the act of weighing myself triggered diet-y, weight loss-y feelings in me, shame that I felt shame.
I’m gonna be real honest with y’all right now: gaining a lot of weight really quickly kinda sucks, similarly to how losing a lot of weight really quickly, or any other swift changes in our bodies, can throw us for a loop.
And I’m struggling with What To Do about it. In the distant past when I have gained weight my response has been to crash diet. I’m obviously not going to do that; I’m not going to engage in anything that could be called a “lifestyle change” or that involves me eating less of the things I love. I might try to practice some more intuitive eating—eating that requires that I check in with my body instead of just feeding it the easiest/cheapest things. I will be moving my body more, in an effort to stave off the pain I’ve been feeling lately as a result of my inactivity. And I’ll be working on continuing to love my body, to feel good as a body, to treat me with kindness and respect. I’m going to work on the shame I feel when I experience bodily ambivalence. I’m going to work on cultivating an activism that has room for all the ways I experience being fat in a fat-hating world. I’m going to work on understanding my self as a whole, not a split between a wispy being of thoughts and feelings and a separate, solid thing made of fat flesh and bones.
And I’m maybe not gonna step on a scale again. That shit fucks with my head.
This work is hard. But absolutely, certainly, 100% positively worth it. NOW GO LOVE YOURSELVES OR ELSE.
All the fucking feels in the world right now, this just accurately explains how I feel about everything, ~*~*~body ambivalence~*~*~ y’all
We are all working on different things. I am working on trusting that my body knows what’s up. That for me, “health” is hard (if not impossible) to define, and that’s okay - all I can truly define is my state of mind. Moving my body in pleasant ways alters my mood and my mind in a positive way. Stepping on a scale alters my mood and mind in the most hateful, shameful, and negative way possible. One of these things is not like the other.
I haven’t weighed myself in 4 months because I haven’t had access to a scale or the opportunity to subject myself to stepping on one. When I take that opportunity away it becomes harder, not impossible. I still impulsively step on scales when I see them, I still think that looking at a number is going to validate something. It’s buried in my head, something I acknowledge in my brain but can’t get my limbs to listen to.
A while ago, I designed a poster that said “Life is too short to spend it hating your body” with the best of intentions at the time, but I’ve come to understand that hating your body and the inevitable changes it goes through is simply a part of life. It happens. It’s fucking normal. So is love. It’s a balance, not a face-off.
Okay, so there is this common misconception about fat activists such as myself. That we love to go around condemning other people for wanting to lose weight. That we are glorifying obesity and “unhealthy” habits. That we are against anyone who wants to “get fit” or make any sort of “healthy” change to their lifestyle.
I am going to try to address all of this in one go.
What some neglect to understand is that fat acceptance for me is mostly about putting a stop to size discrimination and health/body policing. This means that one of the core aspects to my philosophy as a fat activist is to stop policing what other people do with their bodies and how they handle their own unique situations. This is a philosophy that can be adapted by anyone, regardless of size or differences in health and wellness goals.
I tend to speak on behalf of those who live in fat bodies and/or can not afford to focus on weight loss as a goal or defining aspect of personal health, because that is a huge part of my unique experience.
It is a reality for me and for many other people and it is widely misunderstood, as the “common knowledge” drilled into our heads since birth that speaks to junk science and ways of thinking and selling products that are completely fucked insists that all fat people are unhealthy, are bringing that poor health upon themselves, and as a result are making themselves a burden on our society.
What needs to be recognized is that everyone’s abilities and ways of dealing with health and fitness are completely unique. Disabilities, privileges, mental disorders, and chronic illnesses all come into play when considering one’s goals in attaining personally defined levels of health.
That is why Health at Every Size works so well for me (and others) - It allows me to define what is or isn’t healthy for myself, without my weight being factored into the equation. As a fat person with various chronic health issues who used to focus on weight loss for a long time and was constantly discouraged by my body’s inability to live up to a size ideal, I didn’t realize that the societally accepted definition of “health” didn’t apply to me.
Instead, I began to look toward destructive ways of thinking and disordered eating habits in order to drop a dress size. My mental state was fucked. My battles with generalized anxiety and depression and chronic conditions became more prevalent.
In short - I was adapting unhealthy habits in order to fit my body into what society deems to be a “healthy” size and my mental health was in peril.
So thanks to HAES and the fat acceptance community, I decided to focus on other things that are much more important and beneficial to my health and mental state - And began to understand that being healthy and happy, for me, right now, is not about losing weight.
I created this space for myself and others who align with that way of thinking, who can’t afford to think about weight loss as the rest of the world does, who are tired of beating themselves up for not fitting into universally accepted and enforced societal standards of health and beauty.
Your story and the journeys of others may be different. I respect and understand that as something that can be discussed and detailed in your own spaces, but weight loss discussion is generally only spoken of here as a source of frustration, in the context of eating disorders, guilt, and shame - because that is what we have experienced.
That being said, there are super-active and healthy fat people in the world, too. Fat people who don’t get winded and have no problem doing physical things. There are also fat people with disabilities who have other items to factor into their picture of health that are more important than physical activity. It all depends.
So to answer your questions directly: “What if a person loses weight just to simply have a healthier lifestyle? When would you start to suggest that a person switches to a healthier lifestyle?”
I would argue that losing weight is not always an essential aspect of a “healthy lifestyle” and that to define health in such a specific way is really unhelpful and misleading. There are too many different definitions of health and there is too much to be considered.
Whatever a person chooses to do and define for themselves is their own business. I would never try to determine what is best for anyone but myself, unless my advice is explicitly desired (as is often the case here.)
In short: I am not here to pass judgement. I am here to create a voice and awareness for those who are often judged, underrepresented and misunderstood. That is all.
As an influx of reblogs have been clogging my notifications once more, I’m really intrigued to know why or how fitspo blogs find my “weight does not dictate your health or your worth” message inspiring enough to spread and feature in their online spaces.
I know that the message leaves a lot up to the viewer in that they can project their own views and thoughts onto it, but at nearly 10,000 notes I never thought it would be so widely shared and accepted across so many communities.
It was practically created as an alternative to fitspo (anti-fitspo in fact) but now it’s being appropriated in those spaces.
Most fitspo blogs hold a certain weight or body type as a “fit” and “healthy” ideal. Nearly every fitspo blogger has a “goal weight” designated for themselves in their content and feature idealized images of thin, toned bodies as an aesthetic goal. This would suggest to me that most fitspo bloggers believe weight and health are directly correlated and that this belief is being integrated into their own health and wellness narratives.
That approach clearly doesn’t jive with me. I mean, I have a “fuck fitspo” tag on my blog and have maintained a critical eye on the fitspo community in terms of its inability to recognize that people with disabilities (both mental and physical) find fitspo and weight loss messaging detrimental to their health and wellness goals.
I recognize that some able-bodied people find it to be helpful, but it is not and should not be toted as the end-all-be-all way of defining and inspiring good health and fitness for EVERYONE.
And so I come back to my original question - If most fitspo bloggers focus on weight loss as a “healthy” ideal, what is so attractive to them about this statement that suggests an alternative to thinking about how weight and health are not correlated? Was my intent lost or misinterpreted? I’m honestly intrigued.