This is not the first time I’ve needed to whinge about my skin conditions.
But this is the first time in ages my seborrheic dermatitis has decided to make a comeback in a way that makes me want to cut my hair off and dunk my head into a pool of milk in an attempt to cool my burning skin.
I have sores. All. Over. My. Scalp.
I woke up this morning to find I had scratched my face until I bled.
The skin around my hairline always takes the brunt of it - around my forehead to my ears, inside them, behind them, below them, along to my jaw.
Last night I pulled my hair back in a futile attempt to stop myself from pulling away flakes of skin that get stuck to my hair follicles, picking at scabs, scratching the burning itch that persistently plagues my entire head. I scratched anyway.
Then came the hives - on my toes, fingers, and behind my knees.
I am blotchy and flaking and burning and sore and tired.
When I get like this, I want to disappear.
When I feel like this, I need to say it out loud so I can remember how bad it gets, and how much worse it could get.
It’s easy to hide away and wrap myself in blankets, hiding the itchy inflamed monster I perceive myself to be from the outside world, but is that what I really want to do?
That has always been my way of dealing with my skin - the hiding and covering and depriving myself. It is so hard to stay positive and careless about what people think when everything about my appearance feels like it’s screaming at those around me to notice.
But the reality is that I’m going to have to deal with these things for the rest of my life and I can’t hide forever.
I am just so utterly exhausted.