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My chronic hives are often triggered by weather and temperature, which is really inconvenient when it’s gorgeous outside. I didn’t realize I was in the sun long enough to trigger a flare-up, but here they are - itchy painful and making me feel weird about myself. So I combat the weirdness with a smile.
I am chapped skin, gaping pores,
Angry spots and red welts.
I am a child of anxiety subjected
To states of over-everything.
Over-productive sebum,
Over-zealous picking,
Over-sensitive reactions,
Over-and-out.
I am stubborn coarse hairs
In “unladylike” places,
Self-inflicted scars from
Conditions so imposed
To wax and wane
Beyond my control.
I am good enough.
“Beauty” is elusive,
And I am happy to own “ugly”
When my lips form the words
So naturally.
I know this isn’t very pretty, but I am not embarrassed. There were nights in the past when my seb derm and hives would flare up like this and I’d let it keep me from doing things, but fuck that. I’m going out tonight. I may be a flaky hive-monster, but I love my friends, and I deserve to have fun.
- Haley
Asked Anonymous
Oh fucking hell, do I have a whole truckload of things to say about acne (and all skin conditions in general). My skin has played pretty much a leading role in sculpting my thoughts and feelings about myself and body image throughout most of my life.
I sprouted painful cystic acne all over my face, neck, shoulders, chest, and back when I went through puberty at age 11. I sprouted up tall and fat, with greasy, oily skin and hair. I sprouted tits.
All this sprouting happened within the span of what I estimate to be one year. I was teased about my skin relentlessly for years. I was teased about a lot of things. For the most part, I’ve pushed those experiences behind a wall in my mind and don’t really allow them to come out until I feel like dealing with them.
As I went through high school, my acne started to diminish. I still had extremely sensitive skin and broke out often, but the worst of it seemed to be behind me.
Today, my skin is scarred and still frequently blemished. I have overactive sebaceous glands that don’t let up and random cystic bumps that arrive at random. I now have seborrheic dermatitis that nearly never goes away and chronic hives that come and go as they please without rhyme or reason.
Right now, for instance, my entire head feels like it’s in flames, is flaking pretty heavily, and even my eyebrows are sore and flaky. I’ve got a very large, very sore cystic pimple at the base of my neck, and inflamed skin behind my ears. My scalp feels greasy, although I showered just this morning. Later, maybe a patch of hives will take over my hands for a while. Who knows, really.
I never accepted my acne. I hated it. I hated myself. But the punches kept on coming and acne was just the tip of the iceberg, so I’ve learned to roll with them.
There are days where I hate my skin, with a burning and fiery passion of everything that is in me. I let it fill my heart until I feel sick. I cry and yell about it. And then, eventually, I move on - and some days I do self-care photoshoots where I enhance all the blemishes on my face at that moment, just to see how I feel about it. Or stop wearing make-up to work for a while and see what happens, how I handle it, and how the world doesn’t end when my bare skin is on display.
I let myself feel things, express them, and try to move on. Eventually, I become a little indifferent and come to even accept my skin at times. I still get very frustrated, and that frustration turns into hate and anger towards my body and my skin for letting me down, but at the end of the day - I can’t fucking control it. I can do things to get some relief, I can try new products and adapt certain lifestyle habits to help alleviate my skin conditions, but they’re ALWAYS there.
So I deal with it the same way I deal with anything else that’s always there - I learn to live with it.
I don’t know if any of that was helpful, I tried, but it was very therapeutic for me, so I thank you. <3
I should take a picture every time a patch of hives sprouts up on my body. I kind of want to document them. As much as they annoy the fuck out of me, they are fascinating. Also, I have dark arm hairs, nbd.
Letting the fan blow up my skirts in this Michigan heat, sippin on choco almond milk and painting glitter on my nails while hives pop up all over my body at random. Sometimes it’s hard to find beauty in myself but when I do, I hold on tight.
I really love make-up. I love dolling myself up and painting my face.
I’ve been covering my skin every single day since I can remember being allowed to, especially when my skin started to sprout bumps.
But with my advancing skin problems, lately all I want to do is let it breathe.
So I think I’m going to stop wearing make-up for a little while.
I’ve never done this before, but should be an interesting experiment - no longer hiding my blemishes, red spots, hives and scaly skin. That little protective barrier will be gone, but I feel as if I don’t really need it anymore.
I think perhaps that with the acceptance of my body came the slow acceptance of my skin troubles. I can not fight them, I can only work with them. I can hide my skin issues easier than I can hide my body shape, but I don’t know if I care to anymore. I just no longer give any fucks about people being put-off by my skin. It’s such a relief to come to this realization.
There are still times when I hate my skin, of course. But I won’t make any excuses for it any longer. It is what it is.
Can you relate? What’s your story with make-up, skin care and troubles?
This is not the first time I’ve needed to whinge about my skin conditions.
But this is the first time in ages my seborrheic dermatitis has decided to make a comeback in a way that makes me want to cut my hair off and dunk my head into a pool of milk in an attempt to cool my burning skin.
I have sores. All. Over. My. Scalp.
I woke up this morning to find I had scratched my face until I bled.
The skin around my hairline always takes the brunt of it - around my forehead to my ears, inside them, behind them, below them, along to my jaw.
Last night I pulled my hair back in a futile attempt to stop myself from pulling away flakes of skin that get stuck to my hair follicles, picking at scabs, scratching the burning itch that persistently plagues my entire head. I scratched anyway.
Then came the hives - on my toes, fingers, and behind my knees.
I am blotchy and flaking and burning and sore and tired.
When I get like this, I want to disappear.
When I feel like this, I need to say it out loud so I can remember how bad it gets, and how much worse it could get.
It’s easy to hide away and wrap myself in blankets, hiding the itchy inflamed monster I perceive myself to be from the outside world, but is that what I really want to do?
That has always been my way of dealing with my skin - the hiding and covering and depriving myself. It is so hard to stay positive and careless about what people think when everything about my appearance feels like it’s screaming at those around me to notice.
But the reality is that I’m going to have to deal with these things for the rest of my life and I can’t hide forever.
I am just so utterly exhausted.
The more photos I reveal of my bare skin at its worst, the more empowered I feel.
This is me. I have chronic urticaria. As far as I can tell, anyway - A doctor told me once.
I’ve broken out in hives every day for the past 5 months.
Sometimes it’s just a few lonely splotches. Sometimes it’s like you see in this photo - A little pattern of red dots that cover a hefty portion of my body. Sometimes they morph together, puff up, become inflamed, infect my face, scalp, fingers and toes. Sometimes my lips double their size, my tongue swells and the excess puffy skin around my eyes impairs my vision. That’s when it gets really bad.
I’ve had hives on and off since adolescence. I wrote a bit about that a while back, but I need to talk about it some more.
I’ve gone to so many dermatologists and specialists. I’m going to another one this week and I’m scared. I’ve chronicled every part of my day; the way my skin behaves, when the hives wax and wane.
Tonight it’s not so bad and I don’t feel like a monster, but I often do.
“I can’t go out tonight, I’m covered in hives and going into monster-mode.”
I’ve actually said that before.
It’s strange to finally come at peace with your body, only to be constantly let down by the skin that encases it. So I’m trying to fix that.
Our skin covers our body and inevitably contributes to how we feel about ourselves, and whether or not we choose to dwell on the fact that it may be scrutinized by others.
It’s a topic I haven’t touched upon yet in this blog, but as I’ve been encountering some personal issues with my skin that are making me feel more negative about myself than I have in a long time, I thought it might be worth it to put out some words. See what happens.
I have had sensitive skin from the moment I was born. Always conscious of special soaps, detergent, moisturizers, fragrance free, hypoallergenic, all natural, sulfate free…It’s a constant game of waiting to see how my skin reacts to absolutely anything.
Acne took over my face by the time I was 11. Large, sore, cystic acne spread all over my face, neck, arms, chest and back. I was used as a guinea pig, bounced around from dermatologist to allergist to specialist to whothefuckever. I decided to stop.
I eventually grew out of my particular phase of teenage acne, just as the dermatologists always said I would. I felt liberated. My skin was clear for a small patch of time, but it was still sensitive.
I discovered that whenever I went out in the sun for an extended period of time without sunblock, my skin would break out in a rash. Naturally, I stopped lying out in the sun.
Then I started developing hives.
At first it seemed they only cropped up when I was cold, or exposed to the cold for extended periods of time. Then it became more and more frequent.
An allergist assessed my situation and declared “You have chronic urticaria (hives), congratulations! Take antihistamines when they flare up. That’s all you can do.”
Gee, thanks.
In the mean time, my scalp condition went from mildly annoying dandruff to something indescribable. It spread to my face, mostly my eyebrows and nose. Everything flaking, red and raw. I noticed it was mostly provoked by hot water or extreme heat.
I started taking cold showers. I started using 100% free trade organic all natural soaps. My skin problems began to fade.
My hives didn’t flare up too often and when they did it was only on my hands, arms and feet.
I later saw a psychologist about my anxiety disorder and started taking medication for it. After a month or two I realized every time I took an ibuprofen, aspirin or tylenol my face, neck, chest, arms and legs would swell into a itchy red mass of welts.
Some days they are there anyway. Today I woke up with them on my arms, hands and feet. I scratch myself in my sleep until I bleed and scab. When they’re on my face I feel like a monster. When they attack my lips and tongue, I feel like I’m going to choke. When it’s especially bad, they coat every inch of me - Including my scalp.
It’s painful and humiliating.
I am going to be graduating soon. I don’t want to be covered in hives when they take a photo of me holding my diploma. I don’t want to be immortalized as the sad girl covered in red welts.
It’s hard enough to be confident in your skin when it’s housing a body that fights the norm. But when your skin itself is letting you down, it is doubly tiring.
Anyone else who has suffered from chronic skin conditions or issues in general, feel free to submit a ranty rant. It feels nice to know you’re not alone.