I was talking to one of my new roommates the other day about how my mom nags me about my weight…and Kristin (roommate) looked at me for a second and said “but…you’re not even fat”.
Personally, I identify as fat because a) by looks, I’m definitely not skinny b) I’ve been to the doctor and been told in different terms that I’m fat [they use that whole “BMI” bullshit, but this is what they really mean] and c) I identify with issues expressed by other fat people rather than issues expressed by smaller people who have had a history of negative body image.
It’s just interesting because we were talking about what qualifies as fat, because I was ranting and raving about how I always want to see fat girls in music videos more than anything. And it’s not necessarily like okay, get on a scale. How much do you weigh? Oh no, you’re not fat. I just mean people who get that label of “plus size”, “curvy”, “overweight”, people that have to wrestle with that….
I don’t know, sometimes I find it hard to articulate the way I feel about fatness as an identity rather than a physical state. I think people often think that when I talk about fat that means we can also talk about health. Actually no. When we’re talking about health, we can talk about health. But I’m talking about the way your body is, looks, the way it is perceived in the context of society, other people. When I talk about health, it’s personal because people can treat their body however they want, you know… Like that book Skinny Bitch, as much as I love it…should have been called Healthy Bitch or something.
Distinction. On Dr. Oz (who I used to love, but now can’t stand) and shit like that, they make that mistake of always juxtaposing fat and health. They are related in some ways, but not enough that health only means combatting fat. How about you start talking to all those skinny women in your audience about what the fuck they’re eating, Dr. Oz? Just cause they’re slim doesn’t mean they’re safe and I’m tired of that perception because it makes fat people feel like they’re the only ones who need to worry ever.
The other week when I was in Ohio and we were leaving, my uncle - my favorite uncle, dammit - leaned and whispered in my ear “I need you to watch your sugar intake, okay?” I didn’t even respond I was so shocked and hurt and fucking pissed. Let’s think about that whole vacation. Seriously, the only thing I ate that was “sugary” (as in, something that people naturally think of as having sugar, not like hidden sugars) was half a can of Sprite. I almost never drink sodas these days, mind you, but it was offered to me and I was on vacation so it’s like what the fuck ever, sure. Well obviously that was the wrong decision to make because oh yeah, I’m not a fucking twig therefore I have a problem that I need to constantly keep watch on and punish myself for. Let’s look around the room okay, the room in Ohio. Every single person there ate like 2 slices of ice cream cake, a billion ribs with tons of barbecue sauce, my little cousins were drinking soda the majority of the time, etc etc etc. There’s more I’m sure, but I wasn’t sitting around policing every one else’s food intake like they obviously were mine. My sister is PREGNANT and people rarely mentioned anything about her nutrition.
I need a fucking intervention? I need someone to ruin my good time and pull me aside to talk about my motherfucking sugar intake? Also, my other uncle kept mentioning that I need to watch my carbs because I’m vegan or whatever. Which was only slightly less annoying because yes, that is how some people eat. Take out the animal products, insert the bread. That’s how I eat sometimes. But I didn’t see why he had to mention it every meal.
I say this all the time, but I really have ZERO tolerance for this shit anymore. BACK. OFF. This obsession with health is just a subtle way of controlling people’s bodies, of making them feel like shit so they’ll buy your products. If it wasn’t for feminism and fat positivity and tumblr and everything…I don’t think I’d necessarily be depressed all the time or anything, but I’d be going through that cycle of feeling bad about myself then trying to rectify it through exercise and “diet” and then failing and feeling bad about myself and eating my woes away then feeling guilty and going back to the gym blah blah blah. At this rate, I’m not losing any fucking weight which I’m FINE with. Some days I eat just like bananas and walnuts and baked squash or something. Some days I eat oatmeal cookies and PB&J and well…more oatmeal cookies.
I truly deep in heart feel that losing weight is something that should not rule someone’s life, unless the weight itself is ruling their life. Even then, it seems like it makes more sense to take it from a mental perspective than a purely physical one. How am I eating, what am I eating, how is it making me feel, why do I eat it? THOSE are the questions you should ask yourself, if food is really the problem. And in fact, it usually isn’t. In my personal experience, my relationship with food is dictated by my relationship with myself and my surroundings. When that relationship is unhealthy, I binge and eat junk food to the point where I practically feel sick. When I’m feeling good about myself and my situation or when I’m being productive, I generally eat real food…and even when I don’t, even when I have one of those days when I’m just snacking the whole time, it’s not compulsive and obsessive and damaging.
I just want to blot out all this shit, all these attacks. I haven’t gone to the gym since I’ve been back at school since I haven’t had my ID but I’m really super okay with that because right now’s the time when everyone’s fucking there because they feel like they have to be, they feel like they need to prove something. I have nothing to prove. I used to think I did. I used to want to make people realize that I was healthy despite my size, that I liked working out, that I’m an active functioning member of society. Fuck all that. I’ll be over here watching Buffy, drinking tea, with my feet up thank you very much.
Reblogging because I totally identify with a lot of this.