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[tw: run of the mill chronic skin condition self loathing? ha]
My skin is really getting me down as of late. I suffered from eczema as a baby and my problems started from there really. As a child I would scratch myself till I bled. I often got picked on at school in PE because I had huge lesions on my body, unfortunately the more upset I got, the more I would scratch. In my teens I developed sebhoerric dermatitis which led me to have huge red patches on my face, as an image conscious adolescent it was difficult. I developed acne of the forehead at 17, unfortunately a side effect of my pill, I had to make the choice between horrible periods or spots, and I chose spots. And because of my choice of career and frequent handwashing and use of gloves I’ve now developed dermatitis of the hands/fingers and been told that “maybe I shouldn’t have chosen this career” I also have developed a latex sensitivity due to this also. My skin has flared up so badly at the moment and I’m not sure why. It makes me feel horrible. It affects my confidence and its so irritating, nothing I seem to do seems to make it go away.
I was just trolling some tags because I’m feeling super dismal about my skin right now and this…I just have all the feels for you right now. Because I am feelsing them.
Perpetually fucked skin is fucking horrid. I literally can’t put it into words. I’ve been thinking so much lately about how it has just been this giant force, a source of self-loathing and extreme discomfort in my life, literally since birth.
Whenever I have flare-ups it brings me straight down - like tying weights to my feet and kicking me into a goddamn lake.
It is good to let the words go when you feel them. Things will be brighter, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be fucking pissed right nowwwww! GUH.
drug store make-up and prescription drugz are, evidently, my life force. no shame.
Am I the only crazy person who spends hours grooming and indulging in cheap cosmetics? OH WELL at least I look babely (although slightly bitchface) even when my skin is falling off to reveal raging red patches of fresh flesh on mah FACE.
Autumn in Michigan is my absolute favorite. Time for pulling out the scarves, pulling on the leggings, wrapping up in coats and strapping on boots for some serious leaf-crunching Halloween bonfire escapades.
There’s only one bad aspect that comes with the shifting weather: my seb derm has come back in full swing, on par with (if not worse than) last year.
While I have a super thick head of hair and am generally not worried, I’ve noticed my hair falling out much more than usual tonight. I’m trying not to pick at it (I do it compulsively and it’s really hard for me to stop), but my scalp is literally COMING OFF so I kind of have to brush it out and try to hide it as best I can. It’s red, it’s painful, it’s exceedingly annoying. I’ve been picking too much and there are scabs and sores. My hair is either very dry and flaky for very greasy and flaky. There are flakes of skin all over my room that I don’t notice until I tidy. This is my fucking reality.
It’s getting to that point where my at-home treatments aren’t working anymore and I’m trying very hard to convince myself it’s worth it to put my faith in another dermatologist. I’ve gone to so many over the years for all my various chronic skin issues and have grown to distrust them, but I think it’s time I finally found a good one and stuck with treatment. I just can’t get around the distrust right now.
I don’t even fully understand where it comes from. My skin and my self image have a fucked history that I can’t even begin to dissect right now. Long story short: getting your hopes up that something will work only to have it fail over and over again while you’re left with your skin falling off or breaking out on a persistent basis is a hard thing to keep subjecting yourself to. I try not to get my hopes up, but sometimes I’ll come across something that actually works until it eventually STOPS working forever. And shit just keeps getting worse.
This all sounds pretty dismal and perhaps my thoughts are in a dismal place, but I think it’s more fueled by frustration than anything else. My body is hard to love. It is a good body, but when it fails me it is very hard to look past it to forgive it.
photo series that altogether highlights my “imperfections”
- red, sensitive, easily inflamed skin
- dermatitis flakes and red patches
- scars, scabs, blemishes, dryness, open pores
- stretch marks galore
- happy trail stubble
- fat fat fat
these things are not imperfect to me, they are me. perfection and imperfection does not apply.
what if i stopped trying to hide all of these details? what if i embellished them with glitter and made people stop to look at them? what if i let them define me in a different way?
what if?
Fancing up my blemishes during a particularly bad night with dermatitis and other things. Who says I gotta cover up my red patches? Fuq it.
The hair treatment felt lovely, but did nothing for my dermatitis.
Tomorrow I’m trying a new apple cider vinegar rinse recipe I found.
Feels good to be taking care of me. I’m trying very hard not to let my anxieties take over. Making myself feel nice seems to be a healthy method of distraction.
I really love make-up. I love dolling myself up and painting my face.
I’ve been covering my skin every single day since I can remember being allowed to, especially when my skin started to sprout bumps.
But with my advancing skin problems, lately all I want to do is let it breathe.
So I think I’m going to stop wearing make-up for a little while.
I’ve never done this before, but should be an interesting experiment - no longer hiding my blemishes, red spots, hives and scaly skin. That little protective barrier will be gone, but I feel as if I don’t really need it anymore.
I think perhaps that with the acceptance of my body came the slow acceptance of my skin troubles. I can not fight them, I can only work with them. I can hide my skin issues easier than I can hide my body shape, but I don’t know if I care to anymore. I just no longer give any fucks about people being put-off by my skin. It’s such a relief to come to this realization.
There are still times when I hate my skin, of course. But I won’t make any excuses for it any longer. It is what it is.
Can you relate? What’s your story with make-up, skin care and troubles?
Tonight has been another one of those nights where I am stuck on wishing I existed in a body that allowed me to do the things I really want to do.
Right when one thing starts working right, another thing starts up.
I love my body and yet am constantly at odds with it.
I wanted so badly to just wake up today, feeling ready to face the world. I thought maybe today would be a good day to go to the bike shop and get some new wheels. I want so badly to hop on my bike and ride and ride.
There are so many things standing in my way and I can’t defeat them all and it’s really disheartening.
That’s why I get so upset whenever someone questions my lifestyle, or suggests I get into an exercise routine, or get more active - get more “fit”.
Honestly, I really love being active. My body just will not always allow that to happen.
Migraines make it difficult to want to move or open my eyes. Depression makes it hard to leave my bed some days. Anxiety distorts my perception, making me overthink every aspect of wanting to leave my house sometimes, or even make a simple decision. Chronic hives crop up on my skin when they please, more often when I move or sweat or go out into the sun or do anything to agitate the surface of my body, making me burn and itch and not want to move because every inch of me is uncomfortable. Dermatitis makes me feel like a monster.
All of these things come in waves and crash straight through me and I wonder what it feels like to just be normal.
For me, going to the gym at the same time, same day of the week is unrealistic. Every time I’ve tried to go, even just weekly, I’d just become so discouraged with myself that I’d stop being active altogether.
So this is what I do.
I move when I can. When I want to and my body and mind will allow it. And I savor that movement, relishing in those moments when I feel at peace with my parts - when everything feels right and I can grasp onto some sense of normalcy.
But today has not been one of those days and tonight I have decided I shouldn’t feel guilty about that anymore, because why should I beat myself up over these things I can’t control?
And I know I’ve been talking about these things an awful lot lately, and I wanted to acknowledge that, but also say that I won’t apologize - because this is my favorite form of therapy and it always has been - pouring my heart out on the internet.
How are you living?
My hives and dermatitis really aren’t so bad today. I just decided not to wear make up to work so that I might just experience my bare skin and let it breathe. This is how it is most of the time. This is me.
This is not the first time I’ve needed to whinge about my skin conditions.
But this is the first time in ages my seborrheic dermatitis has decided to make a comeback in a way that makes me want to cut my hair off and dunk my head into a pool of milk in an attempt to cool my burning skin.
I have sores. All. Over. My. Scalp.
I woke up this morning to find I had scratched my face until I bled.
The skin around my hairline always takes the brunt of it - around my forehead to my ears, inside them, behind them, below them, along to my jaw.
Last night I pulled my hair back in a futile attempt to stop myself from pulling away flakes of skin that get stuck to my hair follicles, picking at scabs, scratching the burning itch that persistently plagues my entire head. I scratched anyway.
Then came the hives - on my toes, fingers, and behind my knees.
I am blotchy and flaking and burning and sore and tired.
When I get like this, I want to disappear.
When I feel like this, I need to say it out loud so I can remember how bad it gets, and how much worse it could get.
It’s easy to hide away and wrap myself in blankets, hiding the itchy inflamed monster I perceive myself to be from the outside world, but is that what I really want to do?
That has always been my way of dealing with my skin - the hiding and covering and depriving myself. It is so hard to stay positive and careless about what people think when everything about my appearance feels like it’s screaming at those around me to notice.
But the reality is that I’m going to have to deal with these things for the rest of my life and I can’t hide forever.
I am just so utterly exhausted.
Might I recommend raw shea butter as a possible aid to relieving the burning and itching? Shea butter is natural and my first choice when it comes to moisturizers. I use it to treat chapped skin and acne, but I know it is used for a wide range of other skin (and hair) conditions including dermatitis.
Oh, I hadn’t tried that! And I’ve tried just about everything, haha. Thank you so much for your suggestion.
I do find that taking a nice lukewarm shower (hot = hives and cold = unpleasant so I have to be careful with water temperature) and rubbing a little tea tree oil mixed with baby oil into my scalp also helps a ton. I’ve literally had this condition since birth and my mother used to do the same for me when I was a baby, without the tea tree oil.
Honestly, I could keep going on and on for days about the different treatments and things I’ve applied to my skin. I don’t know anyone else in my life who has to deal with these things like I do and I wish I did. It’s so fucking perplexing.
Also, there’s this whole thing where I break out in hives (head, scalp, neck, shoulders, chest) whenever I take aspirin, ibuprofen, and sometimes acetaminophen. While I’ve had chronic hives since I was about 12, this drug reaction thing didn’t start until I about 20. I had migraines and a lot of headaches and I guess maybe taking all those painkillers sparked some sort of intolerance to them in my system and now all of a sudden it makes me break out in hives. I honestly don’t even know, my doctor doesn’t know, dermatologists don’t know, all they say is - You have chronic hives. Deal with it.
I’m sorry, I wish I could stop rambling about this, but oh my fucking god - living in this skin is exhausting as all get-out.
This is not the first time I’ve needed to whinge about my skin conditions.
But this is the first time in ages my seborrheic dermatitis has decided to make a comeback in a way that makes me want to cut my hair off and dunk my head into a pool of milk in an attempt to cool my burning skin.
I have sores. All. Over. My. Scalp.
I woke up this morning to find I had scratched my face until I bled.
The skin around my hairline always takes the brunt of it - around my forehead to my ears, inside them, behind them, below them, along to my jaw.
Last night I pulled my hair back in a futile attempt to stop myself from pulling away flakes of skin that get stuck to my hair follicles, picking at scabs, scratching the burning itch that persistently plagues my entire head. I scratched anyway.
Then came the hives - on my toes, fingers, and behind my knees.
I am blotchy and flaking and burning and sore and tired.
When I get like this, I want to disappear.
When I feel like this, I need to say it out loud so I can remember how bad it gets, and how much worse it could get.
It’s easy to hide away and wrap myself in blankets, hiding the itchy inflamed monster I perceive myself to be from the outside world, but is that what I really want to do?
That has always been my way of dealing with my skin - the hiding and covering and depriving myself. It is so hard to stay positive and careless about what people think when everything about my appearance feels like it’s screaming at those around me to notice.
But the reality is that I’m going to have to deal with these things for the rest of my life and I can’t hide forever.
I am just so utterly exhausted.