bigfatfeminist:

We are all aware that middle school is not the most enlightened place and is, generally, not a safe space for anyone who’s remotely different. In a phrase: middle school fucking blows.

When I was in middle school, there were these two boys who gave Disney channel bully-villains a run for their money. Well, like, more than just these two boys, but they were the most relentless about it (loosening screws in the chair I’d sit in, following me around and mocking me, shoving me, whatever). And their FAVORITE THING was to call me a hippo (ORIGINAL, RITE?)

However. Being a Ravenclaw to my very bones and a fan of National Geographic from an early age, I was skeptical of the usefulness of calling someone a “hippo” as an insult. I had a vague awareness somewhere in the back of my skull that hippos were, actually, unimaginably badass. So I did some research on hippos.

COOL SHIT ABOUT HIPPOS I LEARNED IN SIXTH GRADE AND SUBSEQUENTLY TERRIFIED SOME BULLIES WITH:

1. Hippos are more closely related to whales than to pigs. Whales, mind you, are awesome. Sperm whales are the only natural predators of giant squid. Orcas learned how to kill great whites. Whales run shit in the ocean. (If someone ever calls you a whale, look them coolly in the eye and tell them these things, then thank them for the compliment and walk away).
2. The earliest recognizable hippo fossil is 16 million years old. This is not so much terrifying as it is fucking awesome.
3. They can weigh up to 8,000lbs and can run faster than people (up to 19mph). And do, while mowing them down, because hippos are the most dangerous animal in Africa, more feared than lions, Cape Buffalo, hyenas, or crocodiles. They regularly attack boats for no reason except that they really, really don’t like people.
4. Because they’re fucking terrifying and can kill pretty much anything, adult hippos have no natural predators (other than humans, whom I think we can all agree are idiots).
5. Hippos do, however, regularly kill crocodiles. Like. All the time. For no reason except that a crocodile looked at them funny.
6. However! Hippos don’t kill each other. Bull hippos will often stop fighting as soon as it becomes clear which is stronger than the other, and cow hippos only fight to defend their calfs, and will quit once the threat’s been run off. Hippos therefore have more solidarity than people do.
7. Hippos mark their territory by crapping and windmilling their tails around to spread the crap over a large radius.

Also? Underneath that armor-thick skin and all dat flesh, hippos look like the lovechild of Satan and Cthulhu.

Basically, my fat brethren? Being called a hippo is soooooooo not an insult, even if it’s meant to be. Just imagine siccing an actual hippo on the bully of your choice, and move on with your day.