When my love is not here, especially now as we’re planning our wedding from across an ocean, I find myself flipping through all of our photos over and over again and realizing new things each time. Things about the two of us together and things about myself that I wouldn’t recognize had I not looked at my thought processes retrospectively.
I bought that black lace top from Torrid knowing full well that it would probably make me feel uncomfortable about my arms and upper body via exposure. My shoulders are broad and strong, my upper arms substantial. I spent much of my youth covering them and they have come to be one of the hardest parts of me to learn how to accept.
But today, I recognize things in my own facade and embrace rather than reject.
I accept that for me, fatness is a family trait. I inherited my full bosom, round belly, thick thighs, and meaty arms. They are signifiers of strength.
I see the strong women in my family reflected in my appearance. I am constantly empowered by the echo of their bodies in my own.
I look forward to expressing all of the above to our children someday. I can not wait to be a proud, unapologetic, loving fat mother. Maybe one day I’ll have a daughter who inherits my thick arms and doesn’t know what to make of them and I’ll say “Look, I have them too. Your grandmother, and great grandmother, and all these other brilliant women in our family have them. They have been passed down to you because they are strong, and so are you.”