Today I went to Old Navy (not that it matters where, but for the record, that’s where) and bought jeans, for the first time in five years. This was a really big step for me. I never let myself buy jeans when I was heavier, even though I was never bigger than a size 16 or so and could have bought pants. But today I bought them, and told myself that even though I’m not the size I was when I was seventeen, I am what I am today and waiting around forever is pointless. I don’t want to be cold in the winter, wearing skirts to hide my body, anymore. It’s hard, wearing these jeans, feeling them tight at the stomach. I’m hyperconscious of my belly right now. I’m feeling less good about my body than I was earlier today. But I think buying and wearing these jeans will grant me freedom to move and not worry about crossing my legs, and I have to give myself the permission I’d give anyone else, smaller or bigger than me, to wear what they want.
It’s really hard. But I think this will make it easier in the long run.