Stuffies: Why Fat Fetishists and Fat Activists Never End Up In Bed Together
Amanda, of Feedee World, got pissed off with Fat Activism recently:
Marilyn Wann, aka the author of Fat? SO! and previously a member of the NAAFA board of directors, as just unfriended me on Facebook. Why? Because I told her I was a Feedee and that “[l]ong story short, life is very…
Really good read.
While I don’t consider myself “sexually conservative” by any means in my personal life, this space hasn’t really been centered much around sex-related topics so it may appear that way. It just never became a priority or something I wanted to address, mostly because I’m a cis woman with a fiance half across the world and I’m basically perpetually sexually frustrated, to an astounding degree.
ANYWAY, fat fetishism has come up. I’ve seen the discussions happening outside of this space as well, ever since I joined Tumblr especially. I have been paying attention and quietly forming my own stance, which can be summarized in the following way: feedism* and fat fetishism is totally cool by me (I mean why wouldn’t it be? it’s a fetish, it’s cool, people have them, I have no reason to judge), it’s just not FOR me. I would prefer that no one appropriate images of my body into BBW fetish/feedist* communities but I recognize that shit’s kinda out of my control, so whatev.
I am not adverse to thinking and talking about it, because sex and attraction and fetishism and all related topics are intriguing and fun and often controversial and misunderstood. It’s just pretty much never gonna be a main focus unless other people want to share their experiences, as obviously my experiences don’t speak to any of it.
Reblogging for commentary and the OP’s excellent read, and because if I don’t know where I stand on this, I’m sure many others are having trouble working out their own feelings, too.
I’ve tried to make this a pretty sex-positive space. I have no problem answering questions about sex and dating, and I’m of the opinion that as long as what you’re doing isn’t hurting anyone, and that you’re open and honest with your partner, your sex life is your sex life. Ultimately, it’s complicated, it’s personal, and it’s probably one of those things that the FA movement as a whole isn’t ever going to have a uniform opinion on or acceptance of. I’m not sure that they should. I don’t think it’s “sexually conservative” to acknowledge that an issue is nuanced and difficult and ultimately comes down to personal needs and wants.
I do think that there is a sexual conservative edge to fat positive spaces but it is not just this movement. Kink and fetish communities are normally looked down upon or treated as deviant by most people regardless of the kink we are discussing. For this situation to I think it is important to remember that a lot of what scares people has to do with the issues surrounding consent, dehumanization and objectification. Much of the movements work has been to normalize the status of fat people and move them away from a place where they are considered deviant bodies. By adding the dynamic of a kink like feedism* to the mix it is in direct conflict of this work because it is also considered deviant.
That work is something that I have an issue with. I wrote about how the movement reinforces sexual hierarchies through this process on my own blog a few months ago and how it is harmful because it creates a “good fatty / bad fatty” dichotomy that allows for the people who are labeled by society as a bad fatty as immoral or wrong because they do not conform to societies standards. We should be fighting that all fat people regardless of the way they live their lives are allowed to live a life free from fat stigma.
The issues surrounding consent, dehumanization and objectification of fat people are real and valid even if at times the discussion about them is messy. The issues I personally have is when consent is not given and fat bodies are objectified or dehumanized. This does happen on a regular basis and is never ok. I have absolutely no issue with someone being a fat fetishist or fat admiration communities but I do have an issue with them not getting consent from me or other fat people beforehand. Without consent they are taking from me, they are mentally harming me and again that is not ok. I am a huge supporter of consent culture because without it people use my body for their own pleasure regardless if I get them permission. That makes me feel unsafe. That is not ok.
As far as the topic of feedism*, this again is about consent. I don’t care what people do as long as it is consensual. Everyone has the right to decide on their own what is right in their life and shouldn’t be shamed for it.
First: FEEDISM. If what people are really worried about is the dehumanization or lack of consent involved in Feedism (which isn’t anymore likely than in any other sex), then how about we adopt the term that doesn’t center on just one part of the fetish. I mean, seriously, don’t you think the constant centering on the “feeder” of “feederism” just reinforces the idea that they act and feedees are merely acted upon? Which, I have to say, isn’t true.
Also, a feedist and a fat activist end up in bed together every single night at my house. It’s called me. And no one, not NAAFA, not anyone gets to strip either part of my identity. This is true of many of the feedists I know.
I’m reblogging to acknowledge that I used incorrect terminology in my reblog. The asterisk is where I changed the words. Also I do want to note that the fear of dehumanization and lack of consent is not any more or less problematic with all forms of sexuality. I should have been more clear in my comment. I apologize to anyone I offended.
Learning process and awesome discussion. Will also work to change my terminology (chalk it up to total ignorance, I apologize) and also amended my previous commentary with an asterisk.