TW: health, body image, eating disorders, obsessions
submitted by kindofalion:
First, I just have to express my infinite respect and admiration for this blog. The following rant is just something I’ve had on my mind for a long time - and, whenever I mention it and try to get a discussion going, nobody really understands what I mean.
A bit of background: I used to be 65lbs heavier than I am now. I, personally see no difference in my body - but, I digress. My rant is more about attitudes about visuals, rather than the visuals themselves.
I’m obsessive about my food, and my weight. I feel guilty for eating certain foods. I feel guilty for sometimes indulging. I push myself to work out even when I really, really (for physical or psychological reasons)would rather not.
And, what I’ve come to realize is. When I was 65lbs heavier. This was all encouraged.
I was told to count my calories, and to work out diligently - and being healthy is one thing, but I was encouraged to be obsessive. And, I’ve noticed that people only see it as obsessive when you’re a “healthy weight” (whatever that means).
It was completely acceptable to be unhealthy, and obsessive, and unhappy - and it was completely acceptable to cloak it in a vail of “I’m trying to get healthy!”
Now, I’m 65lbs lighter. Know the calorie content of everything. Obsessively count calories. And, can’t even enjoy a picnic with a friend.
And, it’s only a problem now.
Anyway, again, Haley - you run this blog and do a fantastic job. Thank you for being awesome. <3
I am seriously reeling right now. First of all, I’m just so proud that you are recognizing and deconstructing all of this, because it’s some hard shit to wrap your brain around. Also, thank you for being so sweet.
In a way, I totally relate, because I could be in you. My anxiety makes me obsessive to a fault, about EVERYTHING, to a point where if I hadn’t recognized disordered eating habits and shifted my way of thinking, the possibility of me forming an eating disorder would have been quite plausible. And thinking about that is all of a sudden really triggering for me and I just started going off on my own internal panic-tangent, so I digress…
The encouragement of obsessive behavior, even when under the guise of “health”, is never ever ever okay! It’s so unfair that this sort of behavior is pushed upon us in heaps and heaps from every possible outlet.
You should never have had to go through that, or develop these habits and ways of thinking. But I can tell already that you’re determined. You’re recognizing why it all happened, realizing it’s not your fault, and probably getting pissed off. I know I would be, and I am.
I’m probably the last person who should be pressing therapy as I’ve been avoiding making an appointment for months (going to treatment for anxiety makes me anxious, go figure) but I really hope you can do some good things for you. That includes talking this shit out and letting someone who knows their way around your brain do some poking around. It will help.
Take care of yourself.
- Haley Cue