redefiningbodyimage:

I used to be a super athletic individual from childhood, through adolescence, and to the end of my teenage years. I took dance lessons (tap, ballet and jazz), learned acrobatics, ice skating, soccer, basketball, soft ball and competitive swimming. The last two really stuck with me for most of my life.

Despite being a super active kid who was fortunate enough to have access to healthy, hearty, properly portioned food - I was always considered “overweight” for my age. The cycle of self hate and guilt was endless when, as an active and healthy teenager, I was ceaselessly concerned about my weight and never “performed to my full potential”. I thought less about how I felt and more about how I looked and fixated on it. I was doing everything right but my body was persistent in its fatness.

Because of this, I have done a lot of thinking about my relationship with fitness/exercise and the anxiety it causes in me. I have gone so far as to deprive my own body of the satisfaction and happiness that can come with it, because I have been so jaded by my history with it and the overwhelming anxiety that is pretty much a constant in my life.

I joined a gym, and initially enjoyed it - but found myself misguided and socially anxious in a room full of sweaty strangers, so I eventually stopped going.

Next I will attempt to ease myself back into some sort of activity that involves moving my body and bettering myself, so I chose yoga. I’m super nervous about it.

If there is anyone out there who can relate or possibly lend some advice, please do. <3

Just rereading through some of my old thoughts and finding things haven’t changed much. Really looking forward to making progress. It is odd that my body is basically begging me to be active but my mental state is becoming this great barrier and my body becomes exhausted in the process of trying to overcome that barrier. Sigh.