Tonight has been another one of those nights where I am stuck on wishing I existed in a body that allowed me to do the things I really want to do.
Right when one thing starts working right, another thing starts up.
I love my body and yet am constantly at odds with it.
I wanted so badly to just wake up today, feeling ready to face the world. I thought maybe today would be a good day to go to the bike shop and get some new wheels. I want so badly to hop on my bike and ride and ride.
There are so many things standing in my way and I can’t defeat them all and it’s really disheartening.
That’s why I get so upset whenever someone questions my lifestyle, or suggests I get into an exercise routine, or get more active - get more “fit”.
Honestly, I really love being active. My body just will not always allow that to happen.
Migraines make it difficult to want to move or open my eyes. Depression makes it hard to leave my bed some days. Anxiety distorts my perception, making me overthink every aspect of wanting to leave my house sometimes, or even make a simple decision. Chronic hives crop up on my skin when they please, more often when I move or sweat or go out into the sun or do anything to agitate the surface of my body, making me burn and itch and not want to move because every inch of me is uncomfortable. Dermatitis makes me feel like a monster.
All of these things come in waves and crash straight through me and I wonder what it feels like to just be normal.
For me, going to the gym at the same time, same day of the week is unrealistic. Every time I’ve tried to go, even just weekly, I’d just become so discouraged with myself that I’d stop being active altogether.
So this is what I do.
I move when I can. When I want to and my body and mind will allow it. And I savor that movement, relishing in those moments when I feel at peace with my parts - when everything feels right and I can grasp onto some sense of normalcy.
But today has not been one of those days and tonight I have decided I shouldn’t feel guilty about that anymore, because why should I beat myself up over these things I can’t control?
And I know I’ve been talking about these things an awful lot lately, and I wanted to acknowledge that, but also say that I won’t apologize - because this is my favorite form of therapy and it always has been - pouring my heart out on the internet.
How are you living?