TW: Weight loss and depression

loveisfluid:

I made a body image workshop that I run. I am a fat activist. I am happy with my body, and I became happy with it at my highest weight- 246lbs.

I’ve also lost almost thirty pounds since my engagement ended.

Now, I’m not depressed. Really. I’ve had the best breakup ever. My ex-partner and I really still are friends and my life is good. I do not feel lonely. I’ve just been experiencing my new life to the fullest and loving every moment of it! I’ve moved three times in six weeks. I no longer live with a dude. I have a limited budget for food/eating out, etc. I’m also eating much, much more.nutritious food. My lifestyle has just changed and my body has adapted…

But I feel like I’m not supposed to lose weight. Not because any one person has made me feel that way, I just feel weird. I feel weird that I feel weird about my body and that pisses me off. I could be thinking about so many more productive things than my fucking weight, but if course, as a woman, my worth is defined by my weight. At least, as far as society at large is concerned.

I worry about that.

I know that here on Tumblr, we have the safe little bubble of fat/body-positive folks that support everything we stand for. Feminist folks. Queer folks. But… In the real, day to day world, it isn’t some big happy queer party. It’s full of people who think about how to lose five pounds in a week. What swimsuit hides the most. Whether or not thousands of dollars are worth bigger breasts. (I’m not putting down those methods of thought, they just aren’t ones that I want anymore, ones I have stopped practicing)

I don’t like that no matter what I do with my body, I am forced to consider it in great detail. Fuck off, this body is mine. It has changed and grown and fattened up and shrunk but it is mine and mine alone. I am worth more than my weight, my dress size, whatever. I deserve peace of mind. I deserve credit for WHO I am, not WHAT I am.

It’s natural to feel weird about change, especially when it happens so rapidly. Maybe try to focus on all of those brilliant, positive things you’ve listed and embrace this change as a good thing - for YOU. Separate that from what’s happening to your body, as they exist as two separate things. The weight really is immaterial once you can wrap your mind around the bigger picture - That your happiness is tangible and your life is beautiful and how your body reacts to those things is natural. Those are wonderful things.

If only I could take my own advice, but my situation is backwards. Fresh new stretch marks are sprawling across my stomach as permanent reminders of how my body is changing. My health is going downhill and my weight is going up and it seems as though I’m always at odds with myself about everything.

My relationship with my body is constantly changing and being redefined. Sometimes it’s hard to keep up with. Just gotta keep the little beautiful things in the forefront and remind yourself what’s important once in a while.

Battling anxiety and depression while trying to maintain some sort of grasp on self love is basically a constant mind fuck. It’s exhausting.

But I digress.

Let’s just remember that we’re all fabulous.